Love is a tricky thing to pin down isn't it? When we deeply love someone, we experience such a broad range of emotions that it is hard to know what is 'love' and what is 'need'. In fact love is a patchwork of contradictions, ultimately paradox. And it turns out that the understanding of this paradox is important if we want to go deeper into loving our partner and experiencing more profound joy. So what exactly is this paradox?

Love is total immersion in the other, connection to oneness, to god, to universal consciousness - complete unity.... and yet paradoxically within this we still remain separate and can easily get caught in egoic thoughts. The danger lies then in being careless about which thoughts we believe, especially as we run the risk of thinking that we cannot be happy without our lover; that if they leave us we are doomed to a lifetime of yearning, regret, sadness and disconnection. 

When we love mindfully, however, we allow ourselves to revel in all the pleasure of the other, to worship them on all levels and yet remain firm in the knowledge that we will be absolutely fine if the relationship ends. Sure there may initially be the odd twinge of pain if we see our lover with a new partner or we are reminded of them in some way. But when we love mindfully, we do not turn these short-lived physical sensations into a big negative drama that perpetuates our suffering.

This may seem absurd but it is totally achievable with a little mindful enquiry.

If you have dreams you want to achieve but feel unable to pursue, begin to break your gridlock by becoming aware of the self-defeating patterns that keep you stuck. Whatever you’re currently thinking that hurts or paralyses you, identify it and start thinking the opposite. This new way of thinking will also lead you to take new action to override the old pattern, liberate your potential, and empower yourself to pursue your goals. Below are three questions you can ask yourself to help you jump-start positive change in your life:

How am I treating myself?

Perhaps you dream of completing a graduate degree. If you’re physically exhausted, in a depleting job, or not taking good care of yourself, it’s going to diminish the energy you need to research the right university, get your application done, and complete your studies. Think about how you’re treating your body and what you need to do differently to generate the energy needed to create the life you want. This means making healthy choices about what you eat and drink—and what you’re not going to eat and drink—as well as healthy choices about exercise, sleep and addressing those addictive behaviours that sap your energy. 

The key here is to be very mindful of the impact your habits have upon your body. Get more and more in touch with the physical sensations that you feel before, during and after you eat, smoke, drink, exercise, act out etc. Meditate on these as much as possible by being present with these sensations as they arise. Simply watch them and listen to what they are trying to tell you. This will give you more insight into what serves your body and what depletes your energy.

What kinds of messages am I believing about myself?

Often as we embark on a new venture our ego (thinking mind) will send us some negative thoughts. We may not be able to stop the ego sending us these thoughts but we do not have to believe them. We have a choice whether we take our ego's negativity on board or whether we confront it.

Maybe your goal is to exhibit your paintings in the local art gallery, but you tell yourself you’re not good enough. You’re defeating your purpose by believing any message to yourself that erodes your self-esteem. Or maybe you dream of starting your own business, but you think: “I will fail.” If you’re believing your negative thoughts, you’ll be too paralyzed by fear to get your business off the ground. 

When you believe a negative thought you will always feel a negative reaction in the body. When you feel this negative reaction, its time to question the thought. Turn the negative thought into its 'Positive Opposite'. For example: 'I couldn't handle failing and looking stupid' becomes 'I can handle failing and looking stupid'. Then find 3 reasons why the Positive Opposite is true. 

Over time, you’ll learn to take risks without minding what the outcome is. You will also strengthen your self-esteem and build the confidence you need to actively pursue your further goals.

What kinds of relationships am I creating in my life?

Your life vision might involve a fun, inspiring, and fulfilling personal life, but you continually participate in relationships that make you feel bad. First of all see if you can change the way you think about the situation. Can you learn to accept aspects of the other person? 

Turn negative thoughts like 'He shouldn't be so negative about me' into their Positive Opposites: 'I shouldn't be so negative about me or him'. Again search for three reasons why this Positive Opposite is true. 

Miraculous things can happen within your relationships simply by changing the way you think about yourself and others. Maybe you can learn to love and accept a parent's negative views and learn to love yourself enough not to take those views to heart. 

We can question other ego's negative thoughts just as we can learn to question our own! This way you can bring positivity into a relationship that has seemingly gone sour. 

This does not mean that you have to spend time with those people who are seriously negative! The more you learn to love yourself the more you place appropriate boundaries around relationships which do not serve you and which perpetuate cycles of pain. For each negative person that you identify in your life decide how much time you want to give to them and stick to it.